Hey, nice of you to join me.I should point out that I'm not a big fan of humanity, but who knows, you might surprise me. It happens occasionally.
Most of the time I try to avoid people, not out of fear but simply out of disinterest. I don't care what you're selling, or what you did today. I don't care what you think of me, and I don't want to hear about the weather.
Whenever I go to a place where people congregate, I can't help but feel the horrible disorder and chaos around me. It really is frustrating to get stuck behind an impenetrable wall of gabby teenagers or a meandering old lady. I'd tell her to walk straight into a retirement complex, but she can't even walk in a straight line...
Seriously though, walking in public needs to be a course taught to every school child the world over. There's no reason why it shouldn't follow the exact same rules as driving. First thing's first: pretend there's an imaginary yellow line through the middle of the mall or wherever you are. If you live in North America, you walk on the right. Otherwise, the left side is for you.
The slow lane is on the right - that's where you know-nothing slow-ass window shoppers should be. On the left is the fast lane, where people who know what the fuck they are looking for walk with precision and speed. What you do in between these two zones is obvious, but honestly I really don't care because I'll be on the left.
If you would like to stop and chat it up with your pals, feel free to do so, but note that there is a designated location for such behaviour. It's called the food court. As a general rule of thumb, if you don't see chairs around, you need to keep moving.
Respect the right of way. If you're an idiot and threw your boobs in a guy's face to get your license, this means that if you come out of a store or want to change direction, you DO NOT have the right of way.
Check your mirrors. And by mirrors, I mean use your fucking eyeballs to see what's going on around you. Maybe I have phenomenal peripheral vision or something, but I have more than 180 degrees of awareness at all times, and I've seen people who are apparently fixated on their own noses or something.
Finally, put down your goddam phones while you're walking. Talking is acceptable, because it doesn't require the use of your eyes. My beef is with texting, and since most people would rather send 'lols' and 'zomgs' then pick up the phone and call someone, it's become quite the problem when I get my walk on.
In summary, there are really only two solutions for the lack of walking skills out there:
Implement a system such as the one stated above, or stop having so many damn kids.
If you would like to stop and chat it up with your pals, feel free to do so, but note that there is a designated location for such behaviour. It's called the food court. As a general rule of thumb, if you don't see chairs around, you need to keep moving.
Respect the right of way. If you're an idiot and threw your boobs in a guy's face to get your license, this means that if you come out of a store or want to change direction, you DO NOT have the right of way.
Check your mirrors. And by mirrors, I mean use your fucking eyeballs to see what's going on around you. Maybe I have phenomenal peripheral vision or something, but I have more than 180 degrees of awareness at all times, and I've seen people who are apparently fixated on their own noses or something.
Finally, put down your goddam phones while you're walking. Talking is acceptable, because it doesn't require the use of your eyes. My beef is with texting, and since most people would rather send 'lols' and 'zomgs' then pick up the phone and call someone, it's become quite the problem when I get my walk on.
In summary, there are really only two solutions for the lack of walking skills out there:
Implement a system such as the one stated above, or stop having so many damn kids.
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